Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Changing who I am

Before I start, let me introduce you to the slightly insane looking child here. That's Nicholas, my 11 month old. Part three of my TYSIC, the part that I can't fail at, however hard it is, is to be the best parent I can be to him.

Trouble is, I think I'm a bit crap. I've got seriously low self esteem, mainly due to not having any friends at all between the ages of 11 and 16. I'm also a bit of a perfectionist, which causes me no end of problems- I've got to the point now where I know that I can't do anything as well as I want to, so I don't bother. My life is littlered with half finished projects and schemes that went wrong at an early stage and were abandon. Unfortunatey, with a child, you can't just give up on them once it starts to get a bit tough.

What I want, more than anything, is to be a good role model to my son. At the moment I look at myself and see someone who has no proper qualifications (I don't count an NVQ level 3 in childcare as a proper qualification), no interests or hobbies, and no real love for herself. Is that the kind of person I want bringing up my beautiful, funny, clever, intelligent little boy? Of course not. So, I have 2 options.

1. I leave his upbringing solely to his dad. Now, I love my husband, but I'm not having him being Nicky's only influence in his formative years. He'd grow up supporting Liverpool, and thinking Michael Winner was someone to aspire to rather than punch in the face.

2. Completely overhaul my personality. The more difficult option, yes, but the one that will ultimately be more rewarding. I want my little boy to look at me and think I'm a happy, interesting, intelligent person. I want to set an example to him. I don't want him to think that I'm stupid, and only stayed at home to look after him because I wasn't clever enough to get a paying job. I suppose, really, that all of my TYSIC is ultimately working towards the same goal. The cake making/decorating aspect part is to sho him that you don't need to be academic to succeed at something, and that it's never too late to educate yourself and to make a success of yourself whilst doing something you enjoy. The music part is to show him that I take an interest in the world, and that constantly exposing yourself to new ideas and experiences is a good thing, and will make you a happier and more interesting person.

Basically, my aim for part three of my TYSIC is to be a better person. Partly for my own sake but mainly for the sake of a little boy who will be on the verge of starting secondary school by the time this project is over. If anyone has any tips on how to become that person, please let me know, because I'm still not too sure on how I'm going to manage it, yet.


  1. I actually posted a comment to this, read it back and thought it seemed a bit preachy, so I deleted it. I shall try again!

    I just wanted to say that it sounds like you don't need to completely overhaul your personality at all, just learn to like the one you already have. I once tried to change my personality and it didn't work. At all. But accepting the aspects of my personality that I don't like so much and trying to see them in a positive light, has been far more effective. So, for example, you could say, "I'm a perfectionist so I never get anything done for fear of it not being perfect". Or, you could say, "I'm a perfectionist, which sometimes means I don't get things done, but when I do complete a project, I know it's the best I could possibly have done". And acknowledging your perfectionism and low self-esteem may mean that you could set yourself really easy to complete tasks to begin with, which you simply can't fail at, and then those little successes should boost your confidence for bigger ones.

    I'm going on a bit I know, but I thought you ought to know that I am very impressed with your desire to be a brilliant parent, even when you know it will be hard. The fact that you even care enough to do that surely shows what a brilliant mother you are.

    I'll shut up now and say good luck. :-)

    Cheerio! Amy. xxx

  2. I was going to say that you probably have no idea how perfect that picture of Nicky is. But actually, you probably do. It's brilliant.