Friday, 16 April 2010

Everything you say will destroy you

I've realised something in the last week, while I've been musing on why I don't feel like me any more. I've noticed that I don't seem to have opinions on anything much any more. Well, unless you count my shouting at Cow and Gate adverts (Yes, give your child 20 litres of cows milk to make sure they have enough iron-or, alternatively, how about some broccoli and red meat?)
I think it's a mixture of becoming a parent and not having time to think, and coming off my anti-depressants. Since I came off them I've realised that I can cope perfectly well without them, as long as I don't think too much. However, not thinking about anything makes for a very boring life. Also, I've started to worry about what people think of me, and as a result, tend not to have an opinion on anything for fear of offending anyone. This isn't me at all, and I want to change it. As long as I don't deliberately set out to offend anyone, what does it matter if no-one else agrees with what I think? 'If you're in a minority of one, the truth is still the truth', or something like that. (I've got that on a mug, maybe I should take heed of it)
So, as part of my TYSIC to get back to being me (whoever that maybe), I need to start having opinions on things. Which is where you, dear reader, come in. Suggest to me some subjects, be they controversial or mundane, and I will have a think about them and give my opinion on them. And I'll try not to worry about no-one agreeing with me.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Feeling a bit lost

I've come to realise that I don't know who I am anymore. Over the last few years I seem to have completely lost my identity/personality, and now I have nothing that makes me stand out.
I used to have pink hair, now it's back to it's natural colour (with slightly lighter bits at the end where dye is growing out)
I used to dress differently- skirts, brightly coloured tights, hippy type skirts and tops. Now I slum it in jeans and t-shirts- mainly because I was overweight (and then pregnant) for so long it was the only thing I could find to fit that didn't make me look hideous. I wore a short skirt, pink tights and Doc Martens for Nicky's party on Friday and I felt like me againfor the first time in I don't know how long.
I used to have definite favourite things- music, in particular. Though I don't want to go back to my Manics stalking days, fun though it was, these days I feel 'meh' about everything. I don't get excited about anything any more.
In short, I used to be a person. Now, I feel like I'm disappearing. So part 5 of my TYSIC is to find out who I am again, and get that person back.

Thursday, 1 April 2010

TYSIC-year one, week four. A progress report.

Oh dear, I've been very lazy this week. With this blog, I mean- the TYSIC seems to have been going reasonably well. Want to know what I've been up to? Tough, I'm going to tell you anyway...
1. Cake. I made one, the first of my TYSIC, and only the second properly decorated one I've done, ever. It's not great, by any means, and certainly not up to a professional standard, but I tried. I only started shouting at it once, when the icing got stuck to the table when I was trying to roll it out. I learnt a lesson though- icing, like most other inanimate objects, doesn't respond to shouting, mutterings under the breath, or having a knife waved at it.

2. Music. Listened to Rilo Kiley, and Billy Bragg. I remember nothing about Rilo Kiley (I'm not even sure I'm even spelling their name correctly), so obviously I couldn't have liked it much. Billy Bragg, on the other hand, I liked. Though I have to admit that it wasn't the album I'd had recommended to me (which was 'Life's a Riot with Spy vs Spy), as it wasn't on Spotify. So I listened to 'England, Half English' instead. When I get a chance I'm going to listen to the other albums of his that are on Spotify, though it won't be for a while- not until I've worked my way through a few more recommendations.

3. Parenting. Up and down this week, but I think more up than down. Except for one day where none of us had any sleep, and I seemed to spend all day being cross. We've been to the library, toddler group, and Ikea. Ikea might not sound like the best day out for an almost 1 year old, but he enjoyed himself, honestly. It gave him a new set of people to wave at, plus it has a large car park full of 'ba' (cars) and 'va' (vans) to point at.
I think, in this section of the update, I'm going to start including my parenting quote of the week- the weirdest/most nonsensical/daft thing I've heard myself saying. This week it was 'Nicky, don't put dirty nappy liners in your ears'. He's developed a habit of emptying his nappy bucket and putting the liners on his head. Odd boy. (Yes, I did wash his ears/hair afterwards).
4.Being nice to husband- I've just asked him, and he says I've managed this. I'm not so sure, I feel like I could have tried harder. He found out at the weekend that his dad, who he hadn't seen since he was a teenager, died a couple of months ago. So he's been feeling a bit, well, I don't know- I don't think he knows, really. But I've been feeling a bit useless, and unsure what to do for the best. I've not known what to say, so I've not really said anything. One thing we did manage was to not have an arguement at 2 in the morning when Nicky was having one of his middle of the night grumps. Considering that 90% of the time we end up bickering when we're both awake when we don't want to be, this is a major achievement.